Room For Improvement

It's half 11 and your doorbell chimes

Yeah, I know I said I'd start at nine

But I had to grab a bap on the M25

Don't worry, love! Still gonna charge for the time!

'Cause I'm a jack of all tradesmen

And your place is craving renovation

Straight from the facias, down into your basement

'Fraid your radiators need replacements

Greatest decorator in an eighth mile radius

Don't check my ratings, swear they're outrageous

All their outrage is baseless — I'm blameless!

Only three of my extensions ever caved in

You got savings? Ooh, well, I hope you do!

'Cause it's an 'eck of a job that I'm quoting you

Look, I know that you only want a coat of blue

But, to be safe, I better run my dozer through

I could do it in a flash, in a jiffy, in a jot

But the trouble is, love, it's coming up one o'clock

So I'll have a spot of lunch, then a cuppa, then I'm off

And I'll come back tomorrow, see if anything's in stock

If I've got in the van, that's grand

If I haven't, then I gotta get the parts from Japan

They should be here in Jan, maybe June, in a year, maybe two

But I'll take the down payment now, see you soon!

I tell you, I have got five-star reviews

And, by that, I mean have five one-star reviews, which is basically the same thing

Don't think about it

Satisfaction guaranteed

Cash in hand and no receipts

Your dream home is my debris

How's about a cuppa tea?

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

Are you sure you want the glass translucent?

I can see a little room for improvement

I'm a one-man overhaul, sporting overalls

Though I don't recall the load-bearing walls

So I s'pose I ought to bulldoze 'em all

Eh, your home is sort of disposable!

I do wiring, grouting, I'll put your power shower in

That pipe ain't leakin', it's just a little fountain

Whaddya mean, "That's not what a power shower is"?

The spout's right here, where the plugs are mounted?

I'm the handyman with the plan

To retire via cheating cash from your gran

Do you really need to tile all my ceilings?

That's right, I'm afraid, that'll be ten grand

If your wall's too bland, I can lend a hand

Got a car full of samples to artfully fan

And most of the lead-free cans aren't banned

Though some colours are still carcinogens

We got eggshell, beige, ecru, sage

Hessian and sesame and peppermint rage

Indigo dingo, elephant plague

Hotdog embargo and lemon rampage

Baby blue, navy blue, gravy blue, maybe blue

Grape and rhubarbecue, caribou cabin crew

Third degree verdigris, turtle infirmary

Phlurple and curdle and terminal burgundy and—

Oh, white?

You'd prefer white?

Okay, whatever

White's fine too

I'm not hurt or anything

Just a bit emulsional

Satisfaction guaranteed

Cash in hand and no receipts

Your dream home is my debris

How's about a cuppa tea?

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

Yeah, the fixtures are nice, but the quote don't include 'em

I can see a little room for improvement

They say home is where the heart is and that's true enough, I guess

'Cause it seems like your garage is now in car-diac arrest

I've installed some extra arches, but your bathroom's somewhat less

I'm afraid to say your bath is firmly parked upon your desk

I'm a stone-cold filler, pro roach killer

I'm a fixture of fitting in a kitchen in your villa

But my teacup could use a little refill

And I don't suppose you got a biscuit, do ya?

I'm no clever boffin, but you know I'm never stoppin'

I can stick up a partition quicker than you'd slot a noggin

I'll be bodging 'til my spirit's level lying in a coffin

'Til then I got a new side gig in pressure washing

Satisfaction guaranteed

Cash in hand and no receipts

Your dream home is my debris

How's about a cuppa tea?

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

You clearly just don't appreciate the Brutalist movement

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

Regulations? Nah, never use 'em!

I can see a little room for improvement