Fiend Like Me

Tune into your favourite station

Peruse any news publication

See the state of the states and nations

Corporations, inflation, invasions

Well, I say that they could take some

Intercontinental consolidation

One flag emblazoned with my face on

And I don't plan on an application

Introducing villainy squared

Just your standard reclusive trillionaire

With a maniacal air and a violent flare

Vibrant tyrant enshrined in a stylish chair

You can find me there on my island lair

Where the sirens blare, as I stride in striking fear

With the slightest glare, I'm not fighting fair

Step aside for the frightful heir

So you'd better get to polishing your white flags

I've a plethora of monuments to hijack

Shrink the Senate, use the columns as a spice rack

And enveloping the commons in a flytrap

Minions all over my map

Turn your dominion into a nice back

Yard for my kingdom, your income might lapse

Might have to squint at the price on the ransom price tag

You know, I've just realised this dotted line around the globe is supposed to be the Equator

I always thought of it as more of a "cut here"

If all the world's a stage, then I shall play my part

You may say it's cliché, but I say that it's an art

Every deck needs a knave to come and stack the cards

The world may be yours to save, but it's mine to tear apart

One button's all it takes to set the Earth a-quaking

Or is the world afraid and the planet started shaking?

You'd need tectonic plates to serve the schemes I'm baking

And the menu for today is some world domination

I'm the meanest genius scheme unfurler

Genius steeped in burglars, murderers

Fiend Weekly's champ moustache twirler

I cheated, I used curlers

Yes, my amusements bamboozle

A glamorous ruse to confuse all

Your plans to tamper and snoop

You're delusional

Can't see no scheme while you're schmoozing my valets

Casino screen obscures my base

So if you don't want a day to rue, let's

Just play some roulette, forget the backstage

But if you do sleuth through to my sanctum

I've a few new tools here to have fun

Like a tank full of man-eating plankton

Or a smooth henchman with a handgun

So whilst I'm busy dislodging Norway

You'll spend all day dodging my saw blades

Raising my Pinball scoresheet

Freak in the broadsheets, Rube Goldberg in the hallways

Stay between the laser beams

You still won't make it face-to-face with me

Your agency just paid you to take

A vacation in my interrogation seat

One wrong step in my bullion vaults

And you're gonna be met with a billion volts

But if you do pocket any ill-gotten profits

Then I'll dock it via rocket from the minion at fault

My management skills are uniquely stirring

When lacking in diligent, measly servants

Having one killed with the team observing

Works magic on building the weak's subservience

See, I think I'd make a perfect leader. I'm very hands-on

And by that, I mean my hand's on this big red button that may or may not do something terrible to the Moon's gravity

Don't worry, I'll write you a lovely orbit-uary

If all the world's a stage, then I shall play my part

You may say it's cliché, but I say that it's an art

Every deck needs a knave to come and stack the cards

The world may be yours to save, but it's mine to tear apart

You secretly live below my laser-mounted space station

You may need to think it over, but if I get bored of waiting

I'll be beaming tic-tac-toe between the borders of your nations

Want to keep the Swiss Plateau? Then give me world domination

I've minions poised and entrapped informers

Villains exploiting the map's four corners

Off to deploy my outlandish orders

Warrants are void, international waters

If I steal her bling, do I have to wait

For the Queen of England to abdicate?

Shrink rays are aimed, so why raze the place?

Turn your famed locations to paperweights

Now your monument's stored in a portable size

Does my offer seem more of an affordable price?

Your democracy's nice, but you ought to comply

Or I'll alter your mind via the water supply

Report's coming live of a sort of device

That authorities describe as an orb in the sky

It's absorbing the light and distorting the ice

'Til your tenth-story penthouse is caught in the tide

Forces of justice ought to give up

'Fore I bore through the crust and get awfully destructive

Force down your government's doors, then I'll bust in

Awesomely scored by a chorus of trumpets

Rulers you foolishly trust to prevent my ascent

Just uselessly buckle and bend

If your throne ever feels too comfortable, then

Remember, all good things come to an end

If all the world's a stage, then I shall play my part

You may say it's cliché, but I say that it's an art

Every deck needs a knave to come and stack the cards

The world may be yours to save, but it's mine to tear apart

That stylish new telephone, home appliance sensation

Rewrites your genetic code every time the tone is playing

So I'm sure to get your vote for my new administration

Detonator's set to blow for some world domination

It's too late to stop me

By now the laser dolphins are in position

And every world leader at the beachside, peace summit and barbecue has been incinerated

I'll be sure to notify their next of fin!

Oh, that was good. Somebody write that down!