Rogue's Gallery

I may not look it

But I went to an art school, you know

And I stole like, eight crates of acrylic

Before I tripped the alarm

Anywho, what can I do for ya, pal?

You look like a fine, upstanding island representative

The kind to understand an enterprise when they're presented with

Access to a wonderland of fine authentic decoratives

Except that there's just a chance you might detect they're edited

It's nothing underhanded, why, it's simple etiquette

Someone's gotta lose or else a price is not competitive

I may be discredited but you need some art exhibits

And I'm the only guy upon this island who is selling it

Got a little bit of post-impressionism

Neoclassical, surrealism, art nouveau, oh

But if you hit me with a host of questions

Quizzing, be all asking if it's real? Well, it's hard to know

But it probably is, would I lie to you?

After all we're cousins, I've decided

Ooh, you want a statue? I got a whole load in this old boat

If they don't go, then the hull might smash through

Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts

Refund laws may stand on land

But not transactions planned at sea

So if you've a gallery lacking in a masterpiece

Head down to the beach

I wouldn't cheat ya, pal, we're family

You want the Venus De Milo for Nook Miles? Oh please

Think a Donatello's gonna fall out of an oak tree?

Think another barge is gonna barge in, back end of your garden

With a better bargain? There won't be

Got a sweet deal on a real Michelangelo

Go to a guy in a van for my Van Goghs

Can't be picky when you're picking a Picasso

Doesn't even matter when you're painting where your hand goes

Screw your turnips, I can turn a profit taking turns

At taking turners and turning them to takings

Earning paper from discerning patrons

No returns or trade-ins, all these bargains I got for yous

Here's a Lautrec that I'd hate Toulouse

Buy it, you ain't got all day to peruse

Try it and I'll make you pay per the view

You haven't got the money for a Manet or Matisse

But I probably got a Monet, you can have it on the cheap

I got Millet by the million, it's more than I can keep

So you really better buy 'em or I'll toss 'em in the deep

You bought your Hieronymus Bosch outright?

Gosh, how nice, want advice?

You coulda bought a lotta Botticellis

From the fella at the jetty for a knock-down price

Kandinsky? Can-do-ski!

Got a line on a fine one back in New Leaf

Got a whole back room of own-brand Rembrandts

Here's a Vermeer! Don't look at the jewellery

All the greatest artists ever known, sailing round your Archipelago

Who needs authentication when there's a saving?

Owl's on his way? Then I'd better go

Hoo, what? Upon close examination of this painting

I have grave news to share with you

This work of art is a fake!

What kind of wretched scoundrel would commit

Such fraudulent forgery to canvas?

Oh, that hurts

Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts

Refund laws may stand on land

But not transactions planned at sea

So if you've a gallery lacking in a masterpiece

Head down to the beach

I wouldn't cheat ya, pal, we're family

Can't afford all the money I charge?

Forgery? Nah, it's a loving homage

Felon I'm not, I'm a renaissance fox

Honestly only a little at large

So don't be frugal, buy that Bruegel, I got Degas for days

Cézanne's in season, sure

That Seurat would look great at your place

'Cause I got a lotta costs to offset

Spent a lotta dollar on that Bob Ross box set

So any members of the management

Might have a happy little accident if they object

To my entrepreneurial oeuvre

Largely consisting of raiding the Louvre

Taking the paintings and tracing the loot

Then passing the savings directly to you

Often my copies are just so convincing

I'll quite accidentally sell the original

Though letting residents purchase the evidence

Saves me from shredding 'em, plus they're the criminal

Say I'm a fake and it hurts

Say I'm just after a way to your purse

Say that to my face? You'll save on the hearse

You don't need a wake for a Damien Hirst

So if your podunk little home wants cultural acclaim

There's just one choice of vendor, friend

And Crazy Redd's the name

But if you are dissatisfied and someone gets the blame

You can canvas all my customers, they'll tell ya I was framed

Tom Nook here with an island announcement

An unscrupulous character has been seen lingering at

The back of the island, do not talk to him, alright?

Hey, that's my cue to go but, uh

That eight-foot stone head you ordered?

Yeah, I'll mail it to ya, how big's your mailbox?