Tune Into The Madness

Good evening, do you know any good monsters?

Did you ever swerve your car at today's top speed of 35 miles an hour into an automobile?

Do you ever do the dishes for your wife? I should say not!

Mrs. Carter doesn't really mind washing her teflon-coated pans

New, vital and fashionable!

Fond of children? Well, it's only natural!

Yes, you can't get away from it

There are branches everywhere

And it's safe?

Yes, sir!

Deep down, down, between the trees

Nestled in the leaves, gleams a TV screen

Near a small lad sitting in the tall grass (hm)

It's an odd transmission to be broadcast!

Listen as we talk dark thoughts and soar past

The watershed line before your bedtime

You'll panic like a rabbit that is caught in headlights

Reckon we're manic? Of course, you're dead right!

You better exercise more caution next time

Or you'll end up in tomorrow morning's headlines

Obituary nothing more than, "born and then died"

And not a single family member or a friend cried (wow)

Tune into the madness (oh)

Tune into the madness once more

Tune into the madness (ah)

Tune into the madness, encore!

This remarkable offer, the first and only one of its kind

Delicious, nutritious breakfast cereal, shot from guns!

Yes, sir! You could buy eight additional teaspoons! (Ooh)

Oh, look who's come for tea!

Are you sitting comfortably? (Yeah!)

All of the children better sit still then

'Cause when little kiddies fidget, then I kill them

Class is now in session — time you learned your lesson

Stare into the glare until your mind is effervescent

Bubbling the troubling, you'll find it less depressing

Open up your eyes, you'll be surprised what you might let in

The violent and the tragic, hiding in the static

This silent, enigmatic child had better pack it in!

And leave the schedule to the grown-ups

Revel in the pestilence, Auntie Beeb throws up

As a result of the long, continuing research of commercial explosives

Pepsodent's new, improved formula cleans teeth, whiter than ever

Mmm, it certainly does

Tune into the madness

Pictures hand-picked to be sickening, queasy

Tune into the madness

Transfixed and bewitched by the flickering TV

No, hold up, don't touch that dial! (Ooh)

Look at our isle of muck and bile!

With a saviour clad in a paper bag

Ooh, that must be one ugly child!

Gaze into the space between the pixels on the screen (oh)

There you'll see a place between the signal and the screams (ha-ha-ha)

Feel the oscillation of the crystal in your dreams

Just switch off your brain and let it sizzle in the beams

These scenes some viewers may find disturbing

Violent and unnerving, frighteningly alluring

Slightly stomach-churning, why would you be turning over?

Oh, so many programmes for discerning

Viewers who are just like you!

Eyes locked to the box for the schlock like glue

Shambling in their droves, scrambling their lobes

Get mangled in the strobe 'til you're cross-eyed too (woo)

Here's a message to millions of people who are continually pale and washed out, weak and run-down

All I do is bring you pounds and pounds of baby food

Good lean butcher's steak — very satisfying cake

Impress this fact upon mother

Boys and girls have overactive oil glands

Don't say it like that!

You'll make her sound ungainly

Tune into the madness

Tubes swimming with miasmic blackness (ha)

Tune into the madness (wow)

Sit glued to your viewing apparatus

Izzy! Wizzy! Let's get busy! (Ah!)

Such a pity diddy kiddies threw a tizzy (oh)

Don't be silly! What's the trouble, Little Timmy?

Itty bitty nippers should be giddy for the TV! (Ooh)

Strange lights are disguised in the bright glare

Daytime television's hellish in the right mindset

Too much time staring will make your eyes square

Any more, you'll end up like that child there!

Can't toggle off the gogglebox, so pop another bottle top

Top up your cup and sup the propaganda, prost, mazel tov

They say it's challenging to break a daily habit

Pacified into paralysis: a state of telly-addicts

Maybe one day the cathode rays'll be chromatic

Bringing colour to the pallor of the faces of the static

Taking off the mask, my behaviour is erratic

Claiming to be sane, but I'm just asymptomatic

Wait, did you hear that? Someone's pacing in the attic!

What in the blazes could be making such a racket?

Ooh, I say, you gave me a fright there!

I think I'm having another little nightmare!

Tune into the madness

Urchins channel surfing and subservient to the sadness

Zoom in with the cameras

Squirming as the sermon's stirred into your hippocampus

Cream, not a soap, not a liquid

But a dainty cream

It covers everything easily and beautifully

And what an eyeful they're going to get!

Feast your eyes, 'til you're anaesthetised

Lead a peaceful life for the cheapest price

No need to seek advice, or plea to Jesus Christ

In the deep of night, you'll really see the light

No one observes just how ominous the world is when monotonous

Channelling the brightest minds until they turn witless and ponderous

Their alertness is interred in this infernalest sarcophagus

The absurd and preposterous burned in by the phosphorus

Uncertain what lurks under the surface of your consciousness?

Observe it and you'll learn that it's perturbing, sick and monstrous

Keep surfing through diversions, Uma Thurman's new detergent

Normal service will return after a word from our sponsors!

Ladies, what's your problem?

Gracious, I've nothing for the Johnsons yet!

Keep calm, folks!

Buy the gifts that will look more expensive than they are

Two hundred different formulations of dynamite, so powerful that it'll kill a rat

Press this secret button right here and an authentic western pistol pops out and fires! (Ha-ha-ha!)

Tune into the madness (Yes!)

A bountiful lineup of schooling and comedy (Woo!)

Huge wins at the BAFTAs

Bound to be prizes when you're every nominee

Tune into the madness (oh)

Tune into the madness once more

Tune into the madness (eugh)

Tune into the madness, encore!

No guest is ever really happy without the right kind of tea

Well, don't keep staring at it! Taste it!

Getting high on life could be habit forming

You just can't grow up fast enough, can you?