You Won't Succeed On Broadway - Original Broadway Cast Recording: "Spamalot"

Have you heard of this Broadway?

Yes sire. And we don't stand a chance there!

Why not?

Because!

Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people.

People who can sing and dance! Often at the same time!

They are a different people! A multitalented people!

A people who need people!

And who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world.

I'm sorry sire. We don't have a chance!

But why?

Well... let me put it like this.

♪

In any great adventure, if you don't want to lose

Victory depends upon the people that you choose

So listen, Arthur, darling, closely to this news

We won't succeed on Broadway if we don't have any Jews

You may have the finest sets

Fill the stage with penthouse pets

You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes

You may dance and you may sing

But I am sorry, Arthur King

You'll hear no cheers

Just lots and lots of boos

(Boo!)

You may have butch men by the score

Whom the audience adore

You may even have some animals from zoos

Though you've Poles and Krauts instead

You may have unleavened bread

But I tell you, you are dead

If you don't have any Jews

♪

They won't care if it's witty

Or everything looks pretty

They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse

Nobody will go, sir

If it's not kosher, then no show, sir

Even goyim won't be dim enough to choose

Put on shows that make men stare with lots of girls in underwear

You may even have the finest of reviews

(You're doing great!)

But the audiences won't care sir

As long as you don't dare sir

To open up on Broadway

If you (we) don't have any Jews

♪

You may have dramatic lighting

Or lots of horrid fighting

You may even have some white men sing the blues

Your knights may be nice boys

But sadly we're all goys

And that noise that you call singing, you must lose!

So despite your pretty lights

And naughty girls in nasty tights

And the most impressive scenery you use

You may have dancing mano e mano

You may bring on a piano

But they will not give a damn-o

If you don't have any Jews

♪

Hey!

Oh, oy!

Oh, oy!

You may fill your plays with gays

Have Nigerian girls in stays

You may even have some shiksas making stews

You haven't got a clue

If you don't have a Jew

All of your investments you are going to lose

There's a very small percentile who enjoys a dancing Gentile

I'm sad to be the one with this bad news

Never mind your swordplay

You just won't succeed on Broadway

You just don't succeed on Broadway

If you don't have any Jews

Papa, can you hear me?

To get along on Broadway

To sing a song on Broadway

To hit the top on Broadway and not lose

I tell you, Arthur King

There is one essential thing

There simply must be

Simply must be Jews

There simply must be

Arthur, trust me

Simply must be Jews!