Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Ladies and gentlemen!

May I have your attention, please?

Do you wake every morning in shame and despair

To discover your pillow is covered with hair

Wot ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen

From now on you can waken at ease

You need never again have a worry or care

I will show you a miracle marvelous rare

Gentlemen, you are about to see something

That rose from the dead—!

On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen

I was struck with a horrible

Dermatologic disease

Though the finest physicians in London were called

I awakened one morning amazed and appalled

To discover with dread that my 'ead was as bald

As a novice's knees

I was dying of shame

Till a gentleman came

An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name

He give me a liquid as precious as gold

I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told

And behold!

Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's

Miracle Elixir

That's wot did the trick, sir

True, sir, true

Was it quick, sir?

Did it in a tick, sir

Just like an elixir

Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?

Only costs a penny, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, I don't know... (Go ahead and tug, sir)

Does Pirelli's

Stimulate the growth, sir?

You can have my oath, sir

'Tis unique

Rub a minute—

Stimulating, i'nn'it?

Soon you'll have to thin it

Once a week!

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed!

Penny buys a bottle, might as well... (How about a sample?)

Wotcher think? (Go ahead and try it, wot the hell...)

Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

Isn't it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement? (Penny buys a bottle, does it?)

That's enough, sir, ample

Gently dab it

Gets to be a habit

Soon there'll be enough, sir

Somebody can grab it

See that chap with

Hair like Shelley's?

You can tell he's

Used Pirelli's

Let me have a bottle (Make that two)

Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?

Are we standing near an open trench?

Buy Pirelli's

Miracle Elixir

Anything wot's slick, sir

Soon sprouts curls

Try Pirelli's—

When they see how thick, sir

You can have your pick, sir

Of the girls

Want to buy a bottle, missus?

What is this?

What is this?

Smells like piss

Smells like—phew!

He says it smells like piss

Says it smells like piss or something

Looks like piss

Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear!

This is piss

Piss with ink!

Let me smell that bottle

I don't want no ink piss!

What is this?

What does that smell like to you, sir? (Never mind that madman, mister)

Gives back our money! (What does that smell like to you ma'am?)

Give 'em back their money! (Never mind the madman)

Where is this Pirelli? (Yeah, where is this Pirelli?)

Let Pirelli's

Activate your roots, sir—

Keep it off your boots, sir—

Eats right through (Go and get Pirelli!)

Yes, get Pirelli's!

Use a bottle of it

Ladies seem to love it—

Flies do, too!

Hand the bloody money over!

Hand the bloody money over!

See Pirelli's

Miracle Elixir

Grow a little wick, sir

Then some fuzz

The Pirelli's

Soon'll make it thick, sir

Like a good elixir

Always does!

Trust Pirelli's

If your hair is sick, sir

Fix it in the nick, sir

Don't look grim

Just Pirelli's

Miracle Elixir

That'll do the trick, sir—

What about the money?

If you've got a kick, sir—

What about the money?

Where is this Pirelli?

Go and get Pirelli!

What about our money?

Tell it to the mixer!

Of the Miracle Elixir

If you've got a kick, sir—!

Talk to him!